I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
