Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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