I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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