Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
