Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
