I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
ttyl tear gas
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
