I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
