I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
