Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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