she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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