how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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