Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
