I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
