I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I still have a little drunk in my system
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
