Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
