so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
did i just pee glitter
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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