I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's just like the Real World with babies
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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