didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
