I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
