I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
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