after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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