i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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