i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
