Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
