he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
