remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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