What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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