My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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