This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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