his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
