pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
