He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
