If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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