I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
