I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We are two peas in an std pod
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
