I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
