Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My vagina is officially offended.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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