My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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