He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
