eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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