Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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