How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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