sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
