Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
