So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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