so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
