apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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