i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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