apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
