Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
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