I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
